Sunday, October 08, 2006
Reflections on my past week…Last Wednesday, She said something that hurts again. I think she and her mum derive happiness from hurting. Whenever they have a chance, they never fail to put me down in front of others, they’d always tell others, even strangers, that when I was a baby, our adult relatives dislike me and never carried because I always smell bad. But hey, it’s not like I can help it! It really hurts because it feels like I’ve been rejected and bitter because I’m always falling below their standards.
That night, I went home feeling bitter, hurt and humiliated. I tried keeping my hurt feelings to myself, but I saw my mum, I just can’t help telling her, in my partly kidding dramatics and partly hurting indignation. But when my dad came home then, all kidding dramatics vanished replaced by all the hurt and bitterness I’ve bottled up. My mum told him what happened and he started telling me things I’ve never thought of. Like how, when I was young my grandparents would bring me out and how much my aunt Tricia cares for me when I was a child. True, there are people who care.
That night, my dad called me naïve. But I almost never felt better because it’s the truth he’s speaking and I know deep in my soul that he understands. And he made me cry because of that. Not easy to find someone who cares, who understands and also to make you realise your mistake. I felt really good after that, though a little embarrassed that I’ve cried so easily over nothing.
I think I’ve come to terms that my childhood is pretty much a tie between the good and the bad times, or the bad slightly over the good because of various reasons but it shouldn’t matter so much anymore. I am a better person now, I know, because of it.
After all, I’ve thought about it, we’re just merely living a brief period in this stretch of eternity. It seems too petty to hate and too pointless to care, too much. I guess it’s just left up to our individual abilities to balance out how much to care and what not to. It won’t be easy but we’ve all got to try.
Last Friday, I woke up from a sweet dream feeling really dreamy. =) I dreamt of my dream guy, you know Mr. Hottie; it was just a random dream. I remember just before I woke up, I did something weird. I slipped my hand through his arm and held on tight, perhaps with possessiveness or perhaps for reassurance, who knows, but it’s weird.
Oh yeah, almost forgot, last Thursday, I had another conversation with funny (my bestest friend), I thought it was a pretty cute and interesting conversation but she felt that it was a tad too scandalous. Whatever, it’s just interesting and I’ve to share it.
She’s been complaining that recently everyone is attached and she feels like having one too. After thinking for a while, I came up with a brilliant idea. We can both date the same guy, my favourite guy, Dino. He’s an old, trusted friend to us. I remember a time very long ago when we often flirt with him but that was before I had really fallen for him. After that, in a way that was unspoken, he had always been exclusively mine. He was one of the very few guys I wouldn’t have mind dating in the past, but he never asked, until he did, he said something very wrong. But he’ll be someone very special to me, always. In a way between me and funny, he’d always be mine until I brought up this ‘scandalous’ suggestion. Now… he’s ours. And he promised to ask us out soon, when he’s free from obligations in about two weeks time and about one week from now. =)
So dating as a couple it is sweet… but dull. The three of us put together, now, that’s what I’d call fun.
Finding the right kind of balance for myself and working towards a better mind body & soul.
PLEASE READ THESE TERMS:
JOANIE
I am pretty much like every other girl. Perhaps not that much. I like thinking for my own. One thing I can't tolerate is for people to tell me they know me. I find that terribly arrogant.
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