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JOANIE I am pretty much like every other girl. Perhaps not that much. I like thinking for my own. One thing I can't tolerate is for people to tell me they know me. I find that terribly arrogant. bolditalicstrikestrong

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Guess what? I’m home now.

I am home now instead of out having fun BECAUSE none of my friends wanted to go.

Alright when I put it like that, I have no one to blame but myself for not being independent enough. Crap.

Alright, I’m not going to harp on it anymore.

Today is my dad’s birthday. We went to eat Jap food, mum’s treat. I bought him 2 polo T cos’ I can’t decide which suited him better.

Before that, there was a lecture. I passed Hany her present and she like it. Actually, I like it a lot myself too. So it is nice that she like it too.

I think it suck when you get someone something special and the person doesn’t appreciate it.

Yesterday was SF’s birthday. I spend a lot for her birthday gift. I am so broke right now.

You know there are sometimes, when you have some special memories and special moments which you want to store somewhere but there isn’t anywhere you can pin it down nor anyone to share it with. You store it in your heart because it’s so special, not everyone can understand what makes it special and when you share it and someone don’t understand it, it somehow makes the whole thing less special.

Anyway, I had a dream the other night. It’s such a particular dream, something really close to my heart. I dreamt that I had an identical twin sister, so nice. It’s a dream I would be glad never to wake up from. –sighs a gentle sigh of yearning-

I’m feeling incredibly sad.

Why isn’t anyone enthusiastic about the gathering??? I’m really sad about it. I can’t believe anyone can turn their back to their past so easily and no one seemed to care what happened to whom. Isn’t that what gathering is all about?

I am so disappointed especially with my best friend. She was always telling me when we graduated that we should never forget our roots (or past), when I tell her I’m so glad to be out of school and I can’t wait to get on with life. Rule number 1: when you’re with me, never preach what you won’t practice because I always remember things like that.

Arghhh…

The only thing that is stopping me from going right now is that I haven’t got him anything.

Just my imagination…

I’m on the high. Ain makes me happy and I feel really young. =)

I can’t remember if I had mentioned this but I want to, again. I gave Ammar his lighter from Vietnam and guess what his msn nick says? –Wiggles eyebrow-

<3 Joan for the lighter

I feel really happy. So happy I want to weep. Not because of what Ammar said but just about everything, about Ain.

Ok back to reality, I suddenly recall spending so much on presents these few days. Sigh. But I really can’t wait to give them away.

Anyway, today I’m not going velvet dragon for that event because I’m down with stupid flu.

Sorry Sam, I didnt mean to be curt. I was in class, I didnt want to get caught so I pulled a fast one.

I’m having a world class nose block!!!

Sigh. I hate feeling unwell. I’m sleepy, I’m worried and I’m feeling grouchy as a bear. And I can’t breathe through my nose. L

I’m worried about not having enough time for my tutorials and assignment. But at least I no longer have to worry over not getting a job for my Student Internship Programme. Harry Elias called to offer me a job without requesting for an interview. Such faith is overwhelming. My teacher said that they must be real impressed with my resume. J

Tomorrow night, I’m going to cross my fingers; I’ll be going to velvet dragon. How weird, they used to be club MOMO where lil Derek had performed last year. Or is it? I’m not sure. Anyway, just checked out their events and apparently, tomorrow they are having an event called the Pop Princess Ladies Night. And you have to dress like it, a Pop Princess that is. Irks. Also, there’ll be a hunk search 2007 on tomorrow too if I’m not wrong.

How cool. Let’s pray my nose block will be gone by then. Now, I’m feeling a lil better. =)

p.s. I think I saw V yesterday. Its this guy whom haven’t shaved for ages, so I can’t be too sure. Then I met JW this guy I dated once in secondary school. How weird I actually smiled and waved. Never thought I would.

To Saigon with so much love…

I just got back from Vietnam(Saigon, love that name) yesterday and it’s really weird because I feel so much richer and better a person than I felt before I left. It was truly an enjoyable trip. I feel so overwhelm with everything, I am having difficulties pinning down what exactly it is that I am feeling.

I start from the very start =)

I sms-ed stupid A and he didn’t reply. Great. I caught about an hour of sleep before waking up at 4 a.m. to get ready for the cab that will bring us to the airport. I checked my email and to my surprise, I received an email for the invitation for an interview. To my horror, it didn’t get sent out. But lucky my BF, sent it for me on Saturday, which is a little belated but really, whatever.

At the airport, we saw Daniel and his family. Gosh, he’s so cute I’d love to have a mouthful of him.

First day at Vietnam

Their traffic is the first thing we encounter and it was a total culture shock. Motorcycles travel in flocks, how anyone ever gets across the road is still quite a puzzle to me. But by the last day, I think I almost a hang of it, but now, I can’t be too sure.

We had our first Vietnam meal at Pho24. I had noodles with well done beef brisket. We had to add lime and onions, and I absolutely love it. I have a thing for sour food!

Wait on second thoughts; I think I’ll just write all about the Vietnam food we ate first.

There was the fried spring roll wrapping some kind of meat, we had to dip it into this sour clear chili sauce, hmmm… I’m not kidding, it’s crispy, salty, sour and well… really oily.

Then there was also, the coconut ice cream. How… innovative! I don’t mean coconut flavoured ice cream, I meant, ice cream of different flavours in coconut. So while you’re scooping for the ice cream, you’ll also be digging into the flesh of coconuts. And when that goes into your mouth, it is like an explosion going on, bursting with different flavours and different texture.

Alright back to our first day there. We rested quite a bit, and shopped quite a bit more. The shopping there is way better than that of Singapore BECAUSE the service and people there are way more courteous than people here and service here. Gosh talking about bad service in Singapore, I can really go at length there! –Cringe, rolls my eyes and retch-

Second day

We went on a trip to visit the Cu Chi tunnel in Vietnam, where I stepped on a gargantuan millipede. –shudders-

War is a really scary thing. It forces us back to the basic, the struggle with survival. Right now, we don’t have to worry about survival, we have everything we need and easily everything we want. We worry only about how to get richer and better than our friends.

Cu Chi tunnel is where those civilians of Vietnam have to hide in order to survive during the war to bring down the communist in Vietnam. You really have to be there to understand how tough it is. How enclose and stifling an experience it is for the 10000 over people to live under that tunnel which is several stories deep. Those tunnels are filled with steep steps and really small which means they had to crawl.

I tried half a distance and gave up because it was absolute pitch dark and enclosed, I didn’t think I could stand it, especially after stepping on the monster millipede.

I feel really terrible thinking about the things that those people who had to go through that living a life as per ‘normal’, schooling, giving birth, eating. The war wasn’t for a few days or even a few years, so in some ways, life went on for them. Some children may not even live long enough to understand what normal is exactly, except for the intervals where bombing and shooting were stop for rest.

War is never easy but always a duty.

After that, we had more shopping. It weird and sad how easily we could detach ourselves once the situation or event is past, while those who lived through the war would take a life time to forget. We lived vicariously through them yet they had suffered so much more then we did.

Third day

We visited the war museum. We learned what the American armies did to the Vietnamese. It was horrible, the kind of tortures which were exacted on the civilians, women and children alike. I think it’s really sick. Even if orders were given for those armies, I truly believe they should have a mind of their own to decide if it was right or not! If they were men with integrity, they’d never have done what they did even if force to.

But still I believe there were the really good ones out there, but kind acts are often overlooked to emphasize on the severity of the war.

Alright, alright. I think I’ll stop here though there are some more stuff I can talk about.

Last but not least! Sam is my best sleeping partner ever, after all she’s the only I’ve ever seen NAKED! Ahhhh… hahahaha. And also BF and SF. Our private lingo.
Anyways, I’m her BFF. =)

Oh and Enrique was almost the highlight of the whole trip after Sam! He is so hot I wake up to his voice when MTV of his ping pong song was on.

Anyway, sin yee mentioned something tonight, she implied in this context that I can control my feelings so I’ll never get hurt in a relationship. I was reminded of this thing I read in a mag that we should all know how to get into a relationship without losing ourselves. Actually, she isn’t the first who implied that. I’m not sure how true that is but I really don fancy the idea for falling so much in love I lose my identity.

BUT… I really LOVE Enrique!

I love you the most Sam, you make my days so much more brighter and positive. I feel truly blessed. –Takes in a deep breath, savouring the moment of what its like to love you- I feel so much rich just having you in my life.

Cassidy starts his road to recovery
Clinton Payne
Wednesday, 13 June 2007

Battered jockey Jim Cassidy remains in good spirits despite being in severe pain after undergoing surgery last night to pin his broken right ankle.

Cassidy broke his ankle when the Queensland trained two-year-old Bonza Crop broke his leg in the Tiny Turfers Handicap at Eagle Farm on Saturday, spearing the champion hoop head first into the turf.

"I'm just lucky I landed on my head because I haven't got much in there to hurt,” Cassidy said.

Cassidy last night underwent an operation in Queensland’s Mater Private Hospital to repair his broken ankle with doctors inserting pins to repair the damage that will keep him on the sidelines for eight weeks.

"I’m a lot better, when I say a lot better I mean I’m still in one piece,” he said from his hospital bed.

"I’ve come through the operation ok.

"It’s obviously very sore this morning but the morphene helps you get through it.

"The ribs are still pretty sore I think there are two or three there that aren’t much good.

"They’ve got me on an antibiotic drip for 24-hours so I’m hoping to get out of here tomorrow.

"The nurses are going to get me up this morning to have a shower so the long road to recovery starts now.

"Time heals all wounds.”

Cassidy said one thing he is looking forward to tonight is the State Of Origin and the kiwi born champion had a message for New South Wales supporters.

"Queensland are going to get you New South Wales blokes tonight,” he said.

____________________________________________________________________

I copped the above article from racenet.com.

That’s my daddy’s friend in the article, in fact I’d met him a few times and taken pictures with him. How cool is that to have an uncle (family’s friend) who’s a jockey? I think my ambition to be a jockey was very much influenced by my daddy and him.

In the above article it was a report on the aftermath of his accident, which he was jerked off his position by the very naughty horse he was riding during the race.

I know horse racing can be dangerous, Sam, but I promise to take care of myself! Cheerleading is dangerous and disgusting but hey, I’m still fine and dandy! =)

It must have been love, but it’s over now…

Gotcha! Hahahaha… I’m not in love.

Anyway today was a really, really crappy day to the truest meaning of that freaking phrase! I was out with my old schoolmates, just the 3 of us. But me being me, I hate having to vie for attention, so I chose to let them do the talking and I just look what I feel most time, like a spoiled bored brat tagging along. But I don’t really feel upset at all since they are my really old and favourite friends. I would never have tolerated such shabby treatment from anyone else.

People always tell us how the depth of love will always win length of time hand down. I think that is true to a certain extend, but sometimes there is a bond so comfortable that it is easy to maintain, like the ones I have with my old friends. It is so nice, so comfy, just like my favourite old, big, baggy and ugly T-shirt. We don’t have to keep up all the time, but when we do, we just enjoy each others company like how social creatures do.

Anyway, that aside!

Yesterday was really a truly extraordinary day. I made so many discoveries about myself! I always thought I was spontaneous but I realise I am not. I am more courageous than I will ever be spontaneous; I’d taken a picture in public. I don know why but I always feel uncomfortable in public. Maybe I really lack self confidence. I am still trying to look for it.

And I realise something else about me and Sam. From henceforth with, I am going to revert back to calling her Leng Leng, as I always did when I was younger. I realised that it is so much easier treating her like my big sister (that’s what I did yesterday and I really enjoyed myself and feel so comfortable and so myself!) than it is to treat her like an equal (which usually ends up with me feeling frustrated). Besides I think it’s really nice to have her take care of me, which I think she’s very incline to do. I think LL, you have a super indulgent tendency towards your siblings, and I AM going to assume that I am one of them!

OH yes, here comes the highlight of yesterday! I finally got the chance to introduce Ammar to LL and LL to Ammar. It so nice I think that to finally have a face to place with that name for LL.

Gosh I can really go on gushing, but I think I’d better stop.

Lastly, I am Roxanne, Francis and Joan rolled into one.

Roxanne the person I want to be, Francis the boy I still secretly yearn to be and Joan the girl with issues I’m struggling to leave behind.

Crossroads

Nothing is yet confirmed, and I am almost afraid to believe that everything will be fine at last.

Let’s just say, I am confused. If I could go studying in a university, local or overseas, without having to worry, would I do that? I think not. I want to enjoy life a little first. Reason being, I know there’s more to life than just studying and I do want to see it for myself. I want to try out an apprenticeship as a jockey. Daddy said a good horse trainer can get an income of over a million per year. I want to try out being a waitress at a bar/ club. I want to go spontaneous traveling, alone or with friends. I want a house of my own before turning 30.

When I’m done going wild, I guess I’ll go back studying in the U either criminology or if I’m really interested in horses, animal psychology. It is, I think, going to be more interesting than studying normal human beings.

Then perhaps at some point in my life, I would like to get married, maybe a few times? Forever is a long time. Hahaha… Ya, don’t preach to me about how marriage is suppose to be forever, I don’t want to feel obligated and I don’t think I want to engage in pre-marital sex. Perhaps at some point when I know forever is finally here, I’d change my mind about it. I want to have children too!!! Perhaps about 3-4. All boys and one baby girl. And I am going to teach them to live with their heart and not according to the fucking screwed up society standards!

That’s about it. I’m sure at some points there will be major surprises but I’m going to take it in my strike. After all, life doesn’t always go according to plan. =)

Saturated with random thoughts

I always find that love is a fluctuating emotion. Or maybe love is not an emotion, but more like a bond between people. An understanding, a trust that no matter what happens they will be there to support and empower you. And what’s fluctuating is actually your happiness when you’re with the person you love, that’s what I think.

I think I would really like to live my life passionately, to feel the intensity of happiness, sadness, anger or disappointment. To do crazy things, to be honest about what I think and feel and stop hiding just to conform to what the fucking society and what people expect me to do. BECAUSE it is my life and I want to live it my way even if it means I’m making a mistake, I AM making MY mistake.

I love talking to Ain, we always talk about stuff and somehow we would stumble upon something smart or else she’d be sharing cool insights with me.

Like how, we shouldn’t change how we look now because when we go back to god and he notice we’re different, he is going to feel bad because we didn’t think what he gave us was good enough.

Like how (I shared this), there are places in our life we didn’t know has a void until someone comes along to fill it.

Like how, we often take things for granted until its too late.

Like how (I felt this), I feel a totally lack of self identity. She said its because of Chinese lack of culture appreciation, don’t know how true that is but when I look back, besides citing people who loves me, I can’t really think what makes me really special.

Like how, she doesn’t approve of homosexuality because animals don’t engage in them shows god hasn’t plan for man to be with man and woman to be with woman. That’s really an intelligent thought. But hey, I’m really all for inter-racial marriages and if you’re happy, homosexual marriages in Singapore is really fine by me, if the law approves la.

Talking to Sam right now, talking about really scandalous stuff. About… Lesbian and sex with them. hahahaha. Really, you don’t wanna know the details!

That’s all for now! =)

p.s. Ammar says he’s gonna marry me when I become a real pirate.