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JOANIE I am pretty much like every other girl. Perhaps not that much. I like thinking for my own. One thing I can't tolerate is for people to tell me they know me. I find that terribly arrogant. bolditalicstrikestrong

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It hurts to hear your insensitivity...

Having caught an occasional cold myself before, I now know that illnesses of any kind can be hard to bear, especially when they are grave and fetal, like cancer, aids or heart attack.

You may call me a philistine for there are certain kind of humour I can’t find it in myself to appreciate them. I find jokes about illnesses cruel and I find jokes about death utterly tasteless, for I know what kind of destruction an illness can do to a person and how difficult it is have a death within my family, albeit my extended family.

I was at choir last week when one of my friends told me abruptly to treasure and be appreciative of my life. Frankly, I hate it when people tell me such things. Like D-U-H? Of course I do cherish my life, who is she to make the assumption that I don’t? Such impudence!

Then later she shared with me that she has a good friend my age who was just diagnose with leukemia. I feel really sorry hearing it because I can understand what it is like having someone close (not necessarily emotionally) diagnose with such an illness. What disappoints me was her exclamation on her friend’s beauty going to waste. (tsk, tsk)

My sorrow was based on something more, something deeper as compared to my friend’s, I’d dare say, even though the friend was hers. But then who am I to judge how she deals with sadness, everyone has their own way of dealing with it. What I felt is honest sympathy towards her family. I can almost imagine the kind of helplessness her family must be feeling watching their daughter struggle against the disease and their daughter’s anguish to have gotten it.

I remember the times when my mum would come into my room teary eyed and before long both of us would end up crying together. That was when we first got news that my aunt, my mum’s sister had gotten breast cancer. It doesn’t matter that most times she and her sister are at odds or how often I felt prejudice against, it still hurts knowing she’s in pain. I am not saying I feel her pain just because she is family, that’d be hypocritical seeing that we don’t get along very well most times. It is just very painful to watch another human hurting or unwell, especially so if they are someone you are very close to and it doesn’t matter who that person might be.

That same night, my friend made two comments on different occasion that really angered and shocked me.

She remarked on why her friend couldn’t have gotten a cancer of another nature, i.e. the womb or other parts. She felt that perhaps if it were a cervical cancer, all that was needed to be done was to have the womb removed. I was outraged beyond words that she would actually think that one cancer could be better than another.

Even now, I am struggling with words to express how I feel. Firstly when she made that remark, she had belittled what all the other cancer patients have gone through. It really pisses me off because she has absolutely no rights to say that. She isn’t living it first hand neither is she living with it in close proximity. She just doesn’t understand the kind of suffering the patient goes through or the pain of watching a person fading day by day. Or she would never have made that comment because being diagnose with cancer isn’t about failing or end of the world or the start of what ifs, instead it is about the courage to overcome a fear and stand up against the fight.

Secondly, I mean honestly, how insensitive is that? Think about it, womb, breast, kidney, blood, lungs, they are all vital. Does she really think her friend would be any happier if the cancer was in her womb? What if the sole dream of her friend was to get marry and have children of her own? So what if you can adopt? You’d miss out a chance on knowing how it is like to nurse a beloved child within your body. And THAT is a very previous part of life to be missing out on!

My aunt, back then I always thought she’s brave but after that conversation with my friend, my admiration for her courage to overcome her fear and fight against the fight has increased ten-fold.

In front of everyone, she was as regal and aloof as ever and right from the very start, she took care of herself. Then during the five years followed, I never once saw her break down to curse at what fate had put on her. She is, without a doubt, one of the strongest women I know.

Moving on to the second comment my friend made, I’d say I was more shock than I was outrage. She wondered aloud, in front of everyone at dinner, why isn’t her family dead yet, then when on to give weird statistic of people with family who passes on every who-knows-when period. At first, I truly thought I had misheard. Goodness, what a cold and shocking thing to be saying.

I know I once said I wish I were an orphan(not anymore), frankly that is world apart from wishing your family dead.

My family. They will always be my first priority. Those I love most are my parents, my grandparents and Sam’s family. And I know I am loved. At this moment, I feel a mixture of peace and sorrow.

You may be the one attesting to my contributions
Or
You could be the one bearing witness to my weakness

Truly, I have had enough. I have made a decision last week to step down from the committee of my interest group, choir, instead of staying in for one more year, and eventually quitting it before moving to sports. At a different time, different place with a different group of people, perhaps everything would have been fine. Unfortunately, it wasn’t and this is real life, I guess.

Humbling as it may be to admit to this, I now know I am not a born leader. At this point of time, I don’t see a point in continuing to hold on to a role I am not ready to handle. It is sad I didn’t realise this earlier, and had wasted a year of my life doing something that had not given me happiness but the all misery and disappointments that a leadership role promise.

There are some times in the past year when I get so dejected, I could no longer tell if I am going for choir because it had been my interest to be there or it had been the obligation of the role that compelled me to be there. But now, I know.

And there are other times I grow so weak from my struggle, I just simply wish there had been someone who could given me a hug from the back, for assurance and for a cocoon to hide in, even just for a while.

I shan’t discredit myself and say I have not done anything to contribute at all, for I know I had given my best to my interest group. Perhaps the best ways I know how haven’t even been good enough. But that’s all that I have, for now, and I have given it.

What saddens me more than anything was the passive acceptance of choir’s advisor, I couldn’t help but feel betrayed that she had failed to inquire the reason and try to understand why, and then try persuading me to stay. Though of course, I would have firmly turned down. It is pride, I will own up. But isn’t it rude to just dishonor someone who had worked (so hard) for the group you are in charge of for the past year, by just brushing her resignation off like it is of no importance???

I will be leaving with my head up high, knowing I had given my best. But the pain of my regret that I could have been better if I had better guidance and the fact that all my contributions had not been recognized would make me leave my interest group with a heavy heart.

Below are some advices I got off from the internet and i think they are meaningful.

Remind yourself that it is okay to be angry, and don't feel guilty about having those angry feelings. Women, especially, grow up believing that it is unladylike and bitchy to express any negative feelings. Better to suppress anger, they're taught, than express it. But there are times when anger is legitimate and those occasions must be recognized and addressed. Once you do that, you'll be in a stronger position to say how you honestly feel and find a path for change.

Understand that although you disagree, you are not enemies. No matter how much people love each other, differences will eventually trigger conflict. Fighting fair means you will not attack each other -- physically or verbally. Name-calling, cursing, screaming, or blaming are verboten. So, is threatening separation or divorce.

Never use something that has been previously told to you in confidence as a weapon in an argument. When you do, you betray the trust your spouse has placed in you, and make it harder for your partner to feel emotionally safe in the marriage.

Acknowledge each other's feelings and perceptions, without judgment or criticism. There's no "right" way to feel, and there will be times in every marriage that you simply will not agree. But you should always make the effort to unravel what is troubling your partner and show genuine caring for and awareness of his or her emotional experience. Phrases such as "I never thought of that" or "Tell me more about what you're thinking" will help you break out of an anger stalemate.

Appreciate the silences. More likely than not, your spouse will never be as loquacious as your best friend. And you probably don't want him to be, either. So learn to listen to the silence. When he takes you in his arms for a long hug, shares in a joyful whoop with you when your son scores his first hockey goal, or reaches for your hand as you ride in the car, he may be saying a great deal.

Cause we just wanna live it our way

Cause there’s a kid in me
Like the kid that’s in you
All the fun we have together
Fun that last forever
Just you
You and me
Where we can be free (& me)
Kids Central is the place to be

I just wanna live it my way

It causes anguish in me to think that everything we do, we have to do it within the socially acceptable standards, every single thing. Why is it that adults always try to make us conform to what they think is right for us? (Not only adults sometimes) If you are telling me it is because they are older and have more experience and know more than we do, then, isn’t it unfair that they had their chance to learn it on their own and we are forced to learn it only vicariously through them? Having said that, how would you like it if at every turn of your decision making, I am there to haunt you, to persuade you from doing what you would really want, after all, what is living without making mistakes?

I want to make mistakes and I want to learn to correct MY mistakes on MY own. I want to do things because my heart desires to do them not because someone comes along and tell me what they thinks is good for me. Besides who knows what is best for me?

Perhaps I should keep my plans close to my chest so no one, no one would be telling me again what is best for me. Until when it is known to them, it wouldn’t matter anymore, after all haven’t I done it and succeed. But then again, it is a very sad thing I feel, when one has so many dreams which one can’t share just because it is not conventional or within the social standards.

Sometimes, I do wish I were an orphan. Life would be so much easier without anyone to answer to. Life would be so much easier without my expectations of others and their expectations of me. And sometimes, their expectations are pretty tough to live up to.

A life with no boundaries.

Total Eclipse of the Heart—Bonnie Tyler

Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart
There's nothing I can do
A total eclipse of the heart
Once upon a time there was light in my life
But now there's only love in the dark
Nothing I can say
A total eclipse of the heart


Oh, people… I have just found the most powerful song which WILL leave you feeling blown away after listening to it. The music, the lyrics and the passion coming from Bonnie when she sang it, was just simply very brilliantly put together. What I like best about the whole song was how they went against convention, Bonnie was singing the low notes and the guy singing with her was singing the high notes. I feel that is also probably why the song was so powerful.

Any-oh-how, if the song coincides with its music video then, people… it is a very scandalous song. Ha! According to the music video, it is about a school teacher’s fantasies or affair with her student.

You know what, I feel really disappointed now that I have discovered what makes a love so precious is exactly the amount of agony it puts you through.

Lastly, I came across this quote which I feel is very honest and true. After all, isn’t it true that, when we lost everything, the only thing we are left with is our pride and dignity. So, don’t ever lose them.