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JOANIE I am pretty much like every other girl. Perhaps not that much. I like thinking for my own. One thing I can't tolerate is for people to tell me they know me. I find that terribly arrogant. bolditalicstrikestrong

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ME. kynzgerl
CODES. SHOTGUN
BRUSHES. 1 2 3 4
IMAGES. 1 2 3

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August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007

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Family Law

I had my first Family Law lecture today. It was an interesting lecture which left me positively certain it is one subject I’m going to love. No doubt it can be one of the more depressing subjects, but with Mr. FJ for my tutor, I doubt there’ll be a dull moment.

I’ve never met anyone quite like Mr. FJ. He knows just the right thing to say to create enough suspense to let your own anxiety kill you. When he looks at you, cliché as it may sound; he looks into and through your soul, leaving your soul naked. He is not exactly tall but he has an air of arrogance that’s extremely intimidating. I always did wonder if he is actually afraid of anything.

Alright, I feeling very upset right now, everything to do with PMS, I suspect. But allow me to vent.

Argh… I’m feeling an extreme frustration with the society, conventions and morals. To hell with all this, damn it all. I hate feeling the restriction which I have to comply. I hate morals!!! I wish I could hit someone right now. I hate the idea of a family, I think it’s a burden just as conventions and morals are. I do love my parents, but because I do, I feel responsible for my actions and how it will affect them.

Well, I just finish crying feeling slightly better. Cried not because of PMS but because I just read of a love so beautiful. So sweet it touches the cynic in me.

Alright, I’ll write again when I’m in a better frame of mind.

Bettte mind body & soul, here I come!

I LOVE!!!

Right now, I feel so much passion whelmed up in me, and I’d say it feels good to be alive! I’m in the mood for a solid scarlet red.

It is the aftermath of doing something right, finally. I do love my choir very much, I suppose, it is just the conflict that comes with responsibility of my position, which I abhor. Sometimes, I just forgot how good it could be, learning as a group and singing as a group.

Today, someone asked how I came about my presidency. I didn’t quite know how to answer. I can’t exactly claim it to be merit as I hardly know music. But I do know I was chosen because I am always there and perhaps I have an image of what a leader should be? I don’t know and sometimes, I still feel insecure about my position, but I’ve become more comfortable in my role as an overall head.

After being appointed to be the president of my club, I was invited to a number of leadership talks. I find it really tough, listening to the speakers’ perception of how a good leader should be. I had no previous experience of being an actual leader, so listening to all their experience, really disheartened me. I felt an extremely high expectation being put on me, even though it was never said that I should be a good leader.

In my own ways, I have overcome my petty insecurities with support of my committee members. People came, people left. One thing remind constant, I never wanted to quit because I know learning to be a good leader is one lesson in life we can’t learn vicariously through someone else. We have to learn it through the hard way, by our own hands on experience. And a good leader never abandons, a good leader persevered and succeed, I hope.

There are no absolute rights or wrongs in life. It all lies on our perception.

I like it that we all think differently and that I could think. I love thinking about everything, about nothing. And I love the word perception, such a precious little word, which makes us all different, special and unique to someone.

“Some people are beautiful universally. Some people are beautiful only in the eyes of people who love them.” A truthful quote from a book I came across but can’t remember which.

I came across something philosophic in the book store today, a Japanese saying, but I can’t remember it word for word. But it meant this: if you read but can’t think for yourself, you’re better off not reading. So true, and now I’m still in the process of learning to think for myself.

Anyway, I often come across people who say that their motto in life is all or nothing. I’d rather take all that I have been offered or settle for just the best of everything. I don’t see a point in having to have everything nor do I see a point in denying myself anything,

Constantly working to be a better person, a better mind, body & soul.

Hmmm… why?

I got teased today, twice on different occasion for my preference for guys of other ethnic groups and race. I don’t go for Caucasians particularly, if that’s what you think I am—an SPG. I am just more inclined towards people of other ethnic and races, because from past experience I know that most Chinese guys can be quite cruel to girls who like them, when they don’t reciprocated the feeling. I’m not saying all Chinese guys are that way; in fact, I’ve met several nice and charming ones. Nor am I saying that guys from ethnic and races are perfect. No man’s perfect. Ha!

Now, on my obsession for guys of other ethnic and races, they are a little less assuming and a lot more charming. Enough said.

Hmmm… when?

I think R and I have changed much, I don’t know since when but I can no longer speak to her comfortably. It is like we’re only good friends because we had shared something special once upon a time. I guess we’ve moved on.

Hmmm… is it really so hard to believe?

I do like guys, but it’s only more of an appreciation now, then my past obsession with love. I’ve moved on.

Hmmm… what matters?

ME!

Constantly working towards a better mind, body & soul.

“All the world’s a stage”

Jacques: All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,

I almost had my exit today! At first, what happened seems funny and now, I am only beginning to realize the gravity of what had almost happened.

I was woken up by my father this morning, who complained that I was sleeping like a dead log. Almost became just that, anyway. I literally dragged myself out of my bed as I was instructed to take a look at what my mother had done. The alter in my living room was burnt and smoke was everywhere, like a dark cloud brewing before a thunderstorm—within the house. In my half awake state not yet having apprehended what exactly happened, I was thinking what on earth all the haze was doing in my house.

By the time my father woke me up, the fire had already been put out though the smoke still lingers. Black soot settles on all surfaces in all rooms after the temperature had cooled which means I had to clean up my room on the last day of my holiday. And that was quite a headache since I had fully intended the day before to just spend my day lazing around.

But hey! Come to think of it, I almost lost my chance to grow up and be the person I wanted to be. If I haven’t survived today, I would really have lost a lot. There are so many, many things I’ve never done before! And there are so many, many things I want to do! Goodness, how lucky I am!

Anyway, if I were to define my life with yesterday and today, I’d say my life is filled with unexpected surprises. Yesterday, on my way to Sam’s house, I was admiring a husky from quite a distance, when I notice that its owner had halt their walk and was looking intently at something, I moved closer to see what caught their attention. After a few seconds, I saw a small green snake wiggling towards the forest. Wow, I know.

Last night, before I went to sleep, I made a wish I wish I could swim in the vast sea and never fear I’d sink. I like it, to I have a huge place to myself, alone. Of course, there are also times I’d like to be in a crowd. I like to know that there are many sides to me, at least it draws comfort when someone points at me and tell me this and that is true about me, I can mock at them in my head.

Mostly, I have no arguments about being alone maybe because I’m the only child but definitely because being around people sometimes makes me feel things I’d rather not. I’m a susceptible person and I can’t help it. Solitary doesn’t always have to be lonely; it can bring a sense of peace that cannot be found in company of others.

Constantly working towards a better mind, body & soul.

Wow, I’m so flattered!!!

I got more compliments yesterday than I had living my past 18 years with my parents.

Anyway, one of the best I got yesterday happened while I was walking along orchard road. I was approached by this woman who told me she was looking for someone to try out a role in a commercial and asked if I’d like to try it out. I said no before my brain even processed what she had said, but by the time it had, my answer was already out. I don’t make a habit of eating my words, so naturally I just move on. Thinking back, I don’t even know what kind of commercial it was, so maybe it wasn’t that much of a compliment. My best friend and I often joke about being able to pose as a model only for the before effect never the after, maybe that was the kind of commercial she was trying to get me to try out. HA! The joke is on me.

Today…

I was reminded again of why I do dislike choir once in a while. It gets really tedious sometimes having to deal with people who are very forceful about their opinion. I hate feeling trapped and out of control. Absolutely hate feeling trapped, obligated, out of control and helpless.

That reminds me of this little book about happiness which I came across yesterday.
About happy people not just accepting changes but embracing them.
About happy people not taking things too hard.
About happy people don’t get themselves attached to things, to situation, to people.

Should I embrace being put in that unfamiliar situation?
Should I just sit back and let others step over me?
Should I just let others make my decision for me?

I could, but why should I? –a wicked grin, a mocking smile-

Constantly, constantly, working towards a better mind, body & soul.

ABSOLUTELY can’t wait…

To grow up!!!

Sam invited me to go MOS, Ministry Of Sound, with her friends last Saturday. It was an absolutely liberating experience. I never thought I would find going to clubs fun but I guess in life there are absolutely no absolutes except death, and perhaps the absolute I’ve just mention.

I’m not too sure about other clubs but in MOS there are various rooms and my absolute favourite is the retro room. I love it!!! It feels so… right. Sam loves the hip hop room but I think I’m not really comfortable with the HEAVY vibration, so much so that I suspect a corpse placed in that room would be revived by the stimulation the heart is given by the vibration.

I had about two cups of alcohol, shared one with everyone before we started dancing another with Sam when we were in the hip hop room and one all by myself when we were in the techno room, which absolutely suck! I felt quite giddy after that but I suspect more from the lack of sleep than the alcohol content in my blood stream. But we went home straight after I mentioned it.

I really had fun. But it is not something I’d make a habit of. The air there is so thick and the next day, I was terribly dehydrated mainly because of alcohol.

Anyway today’s my last day of work, stock taking and promoting stuff, so very glad of it! It was a tiring and brainless experience, I hope to get a brain stimulating job in future. Hmmm… I guess being a housewife would provide just that. Can’t wait for school to start!!!

Tomorrow I’ll be going to Vivocity for an appreciation dinner hosted by PM Lee, quite sweet of him, isn’t it? =) I think I’ll get a government job in future.

Alrighty, don’t think I’ve forgotten, I’m still constantly working to be a better person in mind, body & soul. Learning how to balance myself and Joan is some tough shit, Roxanne speaking.

Diary

“I found her diary underneath a tree.
And started reading about me
The words she's written took me by surprise
You'd never read them in her eyes.
They said that she had found the love she waited for.
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.

When she confronted with the writing there,
Simply pretended not to care.
I passed it off as just in keeping with
Her total disconcerting air
And though she tried to hide
The love that she denied,
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.

And as I go through my life,
I will give to her my wife
All the sweet things that I can find.

I found her diary underneath a tree.
And started reading about me.
The words began stick and tears to flow.
Her meaning now was clear to see.
The love she'd waited for was someone else not me
Wouldn't you know it, she wouldn't show it.

And as I go through my life,
I will wish for her his wife
All the sweet things that she can find
All the sweet things they can find”

>>> <<<

What a sad song… It took me awhile to decipher the story behind this song.

She pretended she didn't care and he thought her love wasn't for real. He moved on to marry someone else whom he later found out loves another. And then he thought about that girl a long time ago...

All those what-might-have-been...

Reflections on my past week…

Last Wednesday, She said something that hurts again. I think she and her mum derive happiness from hurting. Whenever they have a chance, they never fail to put me down in front of others, they’d always tell others, even strangers, that when I was a baby, our adult relatives dislike me and never carried because I always smell bad. But hey, it’s not like I can help it! It really hurts because it feels like I’ve been rejected and bitter because I’m always falling below their standards.

That night, I went home feeling bitter, hurt and humiliated. I tried keeping my hurt feelings to myself, but I saw my mum, I just can’t help telling her, in my partly kidding dramatics and partly hurting indignation. But when my dad came home then, all kidding dramatics vanished replaced by all the hurt and bitterness I’ve bottled up. My mum told him what happened and he started telling me things I’ve never thought of. Like how, when I was young my grandparents would bring me out and how much my aunt Tricia cares for me when I was a child. True, there are people who care.

That night, my dad called me naïve. But I almost never felt better because it’s the truth he’s speaking and I know deep in my soul that he understands. And he made me cry because of that. Not easy to find someone who cares, who understands and also to make you realise your mistake. I felt really good after that, though a little embarrassed that I’ve cried so easily over nothing.

I think I’ve come to terms that my childhood is pretty much a tie between the good and the bad times, or the bad slightly over the good because of various reasons but it shouldn’t matter so much anymore. I am a better person now, I know, because of it.

After all, I’ve thought about it, we’re just merely living a brief period in this stretch of eternity. It seems too petty to hate and too pointless to care, too much. I guess it’s just left up to our individual abilities to balance out how much to care and what not to. It won’t be easy but we’ve all got to try.

Last Friday, I woke up from a sweet dream feeling really dreamy. =) I dreamt of my dream guy, you know Mr. Hottie; it was just a random dream. I remember just before I woke up, I did something weird. I slipped my hand through his arm and held on tight, perhaps with possessiveness or perhaps for reassurance, who knows, but it’s weird.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, last Thursday, I had another conversation with funny (my bestest friend), I thought it was a pretty cute and interesting conversation but she felt that it was a tad too scandalous. Whatever, it’s just interesting and I’ve to share it.

She’s been complaining that recently everyone is attached and she feels like having one too. After thinking for a while, I came up with a brilliant idea. We can both date the same guy, my favourite guy, Dino. He’s an old, trusted friend to us. I remember a time very long ago when we often flirt with him but that was before I had really fallen for him. After that, in a way that was unspoken, he had always been exclusively mine. He was one of the very few guys I wouldn’t have mind dating in the past, but he never asked, until he did, he said something very wrong. But he’ll be someone very special to me, always. In a way between me and funny, he’d always be mine until I brought up this ‘scandalous’ suggestion. Now… he’s ours. And he promised to ask us out soon, when he’s free from obligations in about two weeks time and about one week from now. =)

So dating as a couple it is sweet… but dull. The three of us put together, now, that’s what I’d call fun.

Finding the right kind of balance for myself and working towards a better mind body & soul.

April is in my mistress face…

“April is in my mistress face,
And July in her eyes hath place.
With in her bosom is September,
But in her heart, a cold December.”

Thomas Morley (1594)

Goodness gracious!!! What a beautifully written song. This is one of the songs my choir will be singing. Initially, I was just singing without realizing what I am singing until I read the lyrics. I was stunned at what this song is trying to say about his mistress. At first, I thought it was just another love song praising the brightness and beauty of his mistress until I read it, I didn’t know about the cynicism or the criticism the song is trying to convey.

Moral of song, looks can be deceiving, behind a pretty face, a cold heart can reside.

I did mention before that physical attraction is very important. I still think so. But now, thinking more about it, I think it’s more tolerable that the person I’m with turns from pretty to ugly than ugly to pretty.

I am superficial, bad i know but i can't help it.

Constantly working towards a better mind, body & soul.

What’s on the other sides of me…

My friend has an altered ego called Winnie, the feminine side of him. And I want one too!!! So I’ve decided I should acknowledge the inner bitch in me, and I am going to name her Roxanne.

But, of course, you would want to call me Roxy. In short, I love all things scandalous. In fact, I am myself, secretly scandalous and with my Bestest friend, we are the secretly scandalous pair.

I, also, like people who are honest, who others and with themselves. I hold in secret contempt people who are really a whinny ninny. (Sometimes even Joan.) I respect people who stand up for themselves and their beliefs.

Sigh… in this world, where everyone are getting colder and more selfish, Joan don’t stand a chance, she can be so passive and, at times, disgustingly agreeable. I wish she’ll let me out more often, rather than just with people she’s close to. Never mind. No point asking for permissions I’m just going fight my way out. After all, it is always much easier asking for forgiveness.

Sexy, naughty, bitchy me? Nah, sassy, righteous, bitchy me!

Constantly working towards a better mind, body & soul.