Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Oh man…I apologise for my past few entries, I didn’t really put much effort into them. Some of them are just plain crappy. Especially the thing about humanity, it sounds so cynical and jaded. They are just some pretty lines I can’t resist sharing with you.
Anyway, I just want to talk about the song Diary again, I can’t get over it!!! My goodness, it is such a sad song, and I can totally relate to how the girl feels, why she pretended she doesn’t care. It isn’t easy liking someone, then having them know about it before you are ready to confront them with how you feel. It gets worse when that person doesn’t show any interest after they know of it, even worse when they go right on by to get themselves attached to someone else, not you.
Sigh, I so totally speaking from experience if you’re still wondering. It doesn’t matter that they are no longer together; I still can’t help but feel a pang of… erm… maybe sadness?
I don’t know why I’m not getting over him, actually… I do know why. It isn’t exactly because he’s that hot or great, just that it is safer to stay crazy about him. I won’t go so far and say I like him but hey, a girl has to have someone to talk about right? Oh well, maybe it is just me.
There’re guys here and there, alright to look at, nice to flirt with. But it never feels right; maybe that’s why here I am still single. Ha-ha-ha.
Alright, back to my life… alone. No, it isn’t good being alone. But sometimes, it is just much easier.
p.s. below is the link to diary by bread
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24IfD-0VUu4
Friday, November 24, 2006
ME—
luck
Yup, he’s right, you know.
Sometimes when I feel at peace with myself, I’d look back, shrug off my past and feel really pleased with myself. When I turn back thinking about how lost I used to feel and how pissed I was with everything, I really wish I could reach out my arms to that little girl and suffocate her in my hug. Well, not literally, anyway.
There’re many stuff I don’t share easily because sometimes I feel that it is not right to bore you with details of my life. I think it is safer to hear about your life because I know I want to know.
There’re times I don feel incline to discuss work because I am by nature a very competitive person. I’m an Aries, need I say more? There’re also times I can’t tell you what my dreams and my wants are because I don trust you to believe in me. But, right now, I realize it don’t matter because I truly believe in myself and what I am going to achieve one day.
Maybe all this have a lot to do with growing up alone, almost. It is not easy to open up and share freely, not having to care about what you know because, what do you know???
I like it, the feeling of disregarding how everyone feels or think of me. Why care so much about others? It is ME
—
Everyone else except people I LOVE!
It is time to stop petty thoughts, jealousy and give it up to having fun.
The competition has to be within myself, not with you, I can’t let you set the fire for me because what would I do then when one day you fall behind?
The fire in ME!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
There’s absolutely nothing humane about humanity.
And sometimes, though rarely, I almost grief that I’m still alive.
I don’t believe in luck. What does that make me?
I find being with people, weakens my resolution.
But not anymore.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
So proud of you!
Hey Dereka MomBa… I have to dedicate another entry just for you! And your sister is going to be so jealous, but whatever. Hahaha…
I just want the world to know that I’m so proud of you and what you have done. Your concert was so meaningful, especially when you chose to participate in that cancer charity event even though it is your birthday.
The video clip you made, made the whole event all the more meaningful, with the information about cancer and how it’s affecting the world. The song was so appropriate and as I said if I wasn’t carefully trying to be detached I would really cry on the spot.
I really enjoyed my weekend. It was nice having your whole family there to support me for my concert, especially when it is Sam’s birthday. And equally nice to be invited to be at your concert to support you. I really enjoyed myself.
I love you, my little cousin!!!
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Dereka Momba...A Happy Sing-a-licious Birthday to you, dude! thanks for everything you've done for me, you know midis, and well other stuff pretty personal, you know Kay TiA. hahaha...
Alrighty, enjoy your sweet sixteen, my baby cousin. =)
It’s over…It is weird sometimes you wish for something to be over soon yet when it’s over, you can’t help feeling a pang of regret.
Last night was Choir’s concert. It was, in my option, a total sensation. Initially, I have to admit that the suspension before each song was killing me. But gradually, I got into the mood of enjoying myself. I love the emceeing part it was fun going on stage and be sassy or was it flirty? I’m not sure but it was great fun.
I think it was really heartening yesterday, I had so many people so supportive of me, trusted me enough to go through the whole concert with me. I’ve so much to be thankful for. Though I must admit that it was really disappointing that none of the people I see day in day out were there to show their support for me or for the things I've chosen to do. I think poly is really confusing, sometimes you can just never tell if people ever say what they really mean.
But hey, what more can I ask for? I had my parents, Sam’s whole family, my granny, my little cousin, good friends I’ve met while working for the IMF and my best friend, Raymond. These are the people who really matter to me, including Sook Fun though she was really tired after her As, I guess I can understand that.
I suppose now I can understand why some people enjoy being on stage, being on stage having the attention of everyone to entertain can be quite addictive. The whole concert was relatively well done, considering it is our first in so many years. The best I like about the guest performance was the guitar guy who played ‘Now and Forever’. It was pulling my heartstrings the whole time I was listening, and he’s quite a hot Indian. Really, what more can a girl ask for? –Swoons- Then there’s the backstage crew, Bob, what a corny name but such nice eyes he has.
I think it is really important to surround yourself with people who are kind and supportive, especially when you’re growing up, its people around you who makes you who you are. I refuse to let people who don’t care make me.
You know, I think it’s not so much about being about a better person but more of how you feel at the end of the day that really, really matters.
So much to be thankful for.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Sam , Old Sam…Hey baby, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Really, dear, though I’m told I’ve got low self-esteem, you shouldn’t spoil me with all your compliments. I love you but you beautiful not because I love you. You’re beautiful because you’re vain, Opps (haha)… its because now that you’re more self-aware, it is nice and you know what they say, people care about people who care about themselves, but don’t ever let it spiral out of hand to self-consciousness. And I love you because you’re the epitome of honesty and I really like that in a person. You’re honest without being deliberately hurtful, that makes you all the more precious to me.
i love you.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
What? ME?Sigh. Whatever. Honestly.
Me? Secretive? That is something I never thought I am. Sure, I can keep secrets. But for goodness sake, just because I’m not open about how I feel doesn’t mean I’m secretive.
Of all people.
Screw it. It is just a matter of perception anyway.
Alright, I really hate telling people how I feel sometimes because I’ll have to explain what happened and more often than not, it is not pleasant stuff about people. I feel bad telling because it’ll be like back stabbing or behaving like a shrewd or a bitch. Hey, I don’t mind being a bitch sometimes, but I draw a line at bad mouthing. Argh…
Forget it.
Not.
Enough, I can be whoever you think I am, for now. Just you wait and see.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Go on judging...If that is the kind of impression you want to have of me, so be it.
People told you this and that about me, you don’t even know if it is true but you believe them because you don’t know me. Why would I care if that is the impression you would want to have of me?
So what if you have known me for a relatively long time? If you still need to persuade someone to think I am who you think I am, so insecure in your own opinion, what can I do when you’re so hell bend on destroying me?
Enough said I won’t be destroyed.
Erm… I could possibility get a song out of this.
Anyway, I realised I’m not inconsistent if I am at least consistent about being inconsistent. But it is more like unpredictable? The thing about living I like best is that, we can be whoever we want to be, if we can smoothly switch from one role to the other. It is like acting, not the supper-dramatic-catch-everyone’s-attention kind, but the more subtle making-people-believe-that’s-you kind. I am truly whoever I want to be.
Nope, it is not that I’m unreal; I am as real as you are, just different.
If you know me well enough, you wouldn’t judge me. You’d accept me because I am who I am because of you, how you perceived me.
I think perception is something really abstract.
Love you so much, Sam! You mean the world to me, honest. I think you’re the only one who has ever made me feel humbled with your love.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Just my imagination
“There was a time I used to pray
I have always kept my faith in love
We'll always be this free
We will be living for the love we have
Living not for reality
There is a game I like to play”
Why, oh why can’t I?
Last Saturday, I was out with my little cousin. We went to Vivo City, which is not so big at all, which is why I’m wondering what the big hoo-ha was about. After awhile we realize we’d rather be in town so we left for orchard to look for my LBD. I couldn’t make my mind up so in the end the only thing I bought while I was out that day was my dinner.
My little cousin and I bought Sushi for dinner and went to some quiet corner, in town, it was no small feat, and everywhere you turn there are people. Finally, we found a relatively quiet corner and we settled down. I was trying to open the Soya sauce pack when everything spilled, but thankfully the dignified looking old man beside me looked and asked if I’d like some tissue which I was rather in for need at that time.
Of course I said yes. I ate quietly with my cousin but after awhile I started chatting with the old man. He was really nice and I realized he lives in town. Goodness, why am I even writing this down in my entry? Alright I shall not go too deep into it and start a psychoanalysis on myself.
Why must we conform to fit in? What if I’m just not meant to be in?
I wish I could find someone very much like me, someone who ares, someone who would always be there, someone who would play my silly games with me, someone who would believe we could really be whoever we dream of being.
I’m sorry can’t honestly say I’m working towards a better person this time around because I’m not even sure if that’s who I am or who I want to be.
Who are the people who really cares? Don't say you care just because you're there. Everyone is here but not everyone cares, not even some of those who say they do.
PLEASE READ THESE TERMS:
JOANIE
I am pretty much like every other girl. Perhaps not that much. I like thinking for my own. One thing I can't tolerate is for people to tell me they know me. I find that terribly arrogant.
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